Happy Thanksgiving

Give thanks to certain people-

my leadership team:

I've got to say... for the most part, even though we don't agree about everything, I feel like we have a natural thing that connects most of us the moment the team is formed in the summer. When everything gets hard and people get to me, I know you guys will always be there and understand what I'm going through. I know I'm not alone here. Barely anyone I know really puts in a lot of passion into something, even though they seem to get nothing in return most of the time. But we know that even though we don't get the cooperation we'd like, it's worth doing what we love, in the hopes that one day, it will change things for some people for the better. I'm thankful to have you, those of you who care and understand and take care of me.

Chen, Maggie:

I don't know how to start... I remember when I thought you were a huge, emotional, gossip-girl kind of jerk (because of the xanga entries you had back in the Suzanne days). But you're one of the nicest people I know... when you're not insulting Charlene, Ilani, or me! (: I know I can always count on you to be there, even when I call super late. I guess it's because you're always up anyway! Haha. But really, I appreciate all those times you put up with me... especially when I would call, repeating the same damn thoughts and concerns. You never made me feel guilty of being the burden I'm sure I can be. And you know that means too much to me because I'm always afraid of my stupid emotions as being burdens on the people I love.

Gunawan, Chris:

You seem to be one of the few people I know that has like... no flaws. Usually, I'm suspicious of the nice things people say, but I can believe you so easily every time. And the best part of it is that you really mean those nice things- I can tell. You have such a great heart, you care so much, and you make me feel better about things when I'm hard on myself. I know we're not super good friends or anything, but you're very important to me because you've shown me that there are some people out there who are just really good-hearted... and that's something I needed when times were getting really hard.

Hao, Charlene:

We've had a LOT of ups and downs, and I'm so glad that we made it through to now because I love our friendship. We both grew up a lot (I like to think), like it feels like out of Maggie, Ilani, and you, you were the person I really developed with, who understands the changes because we were there together. I hope that didn't sound weird. And you make me smile and laugh, and I totally know I can count on you. Plus, you always encourage me that there are a lot of fish in the sea to choose from, which makes things that much better. :]

Hon, Chris:

You frustrate me a lot, you have no idea. But I still enjoy your company and talking about music with you- especially actually playing... as long as you don't leave me out (like you did today!). You've actually changed a lot since last year, and I think it's a good change. Even though I hate your stubborness, I still value what you have to say, and it's nice to have someone who thinks so differently to argue with. Yes, it's a good thing.

Lac, David:

What can I really say? My best friend is gone, but it's not like I've forgotten about him. No time or distance can change the fact that you are one of the most important people in my life. I said it before, and I'll say it again, meaning it more than ever: You are the one person I was comfortable talking about anything with. I'm looking out for more friends like that, but so far, I've come up pretty short. I'm thankful that you had been there for me some of the times I desparately needed you to be there- the times when I couldn't go to anyone else. I value your opinion too much because you understand me. Hell, I owe you my life... so I would do anything to make sure you're happy with things and not burdened by anything because of all you've done for me. Thank you for teaching me the one thing I thought I already knew and for just, overall, being a fun friend to hang out with whenever.

Lee, Crystal:

My band bestie for life... that's all there is to it. I miss our catch-up days, I love your reassurances that I can always count on you when I'm down, I love having someone who actually loves band as much as I do (especially now that you see what I see being in leadership). You were there every step of the way, I could tell you whatever I felt about band - and I know I keep repeating the 'band' thing, but we both know it's an extremely huge part of my life. You do so much for me in that sense. You help relieve the stress that comes out of what we do. To put it simply, you understand my thoughts because you go through similar things that I do- and for that, I'm extremely thankful.

Montemayor, Robert:

Kuya, I really will miss you when you leave for college. It won't be the same without you at all... You're the only saxophone I can really count on without worrying. Plus, you're my jazz band buddy. I vent to you about whatever, and I'm really going to miss talking about all the little problems that go my way. No one else's sarcasm or concern would be the same. It's like replacing Aaron Chen in jazz band (within the next like 2 years)- it's impossible. My older brother who's always looking out for me, even though you tease me all the time... I'm absolutely thankful for the older brother I never had.

Sung, Eric:

We're miles apart (...lots of miles apart), but I wouldn't say our friendship has gotten any worse. You were there for me a lot of the time when the boys in jazz band were being huge jerks. When I was sad, you'd come over to me. You played 'My Girl' for me to cheer me up. You used to seem super annoying, but you're really not. I hope that didn't sound insulting... but yeah, I really hope you come back because you're one of the best friends I have. You're certainly one of the few really good guy friends I have- or I guess you could say I value our friendship a lot more than I do with most guys.

Taylor, Randy:

I've got to say, you're probably one out of maybe... 2 or 3 people (I'm not sure, I wouldn't really know) who never lied to me about anything. You said you would never hurt me, and you never did... and you still don't. You are one of the most honest people I have ever met, but you're also really motivational... everytime I put myself down or feel guilty, you always tell me to keep my chin up. And when it comes down to it, I really need to hear that from you because I'm so sure your comments are never biased toward me.

Umel, Ilani:

My filipino sister. Hah, I swear, we'd make great roommates. I don't know how we got to be such great friends, but I'm glad it happened. You're one of the most loving and spirited people I know. You brighten up my day... especially that one day (I'm sure you know the one I'm talking about)... that dark day for me... I wasn't expecting anyone, anything, at all. But you came to take care of me and be there until I calmed down. You actually make me feel like I mean something to people. You actually make me feel like I matter. And coming from you, it means so much because I think you're amazing already. 'Really, someone that amazing actually thinks that about ME?' That's the thought I get. Oh, and plus, I'm thankful for your driving (even though you almost got us crashing in the car behind us that one day) and plans to do big things as a group because I'm not a rebel, but I feel like doing something rebellious soon. xD



last but not least, an old part of me:

because you worked hard to get where you are. You have all these people to thank, but can't you take some credit? After realizing you can only motivate people to a certain point, and they do the rest themselves... can't it go for you, too? You went through hell for someone else's happiness. You know all you want is to get more people to care about things... you know you just want to help. You did a lot to get to where you are. You're STILL fighting. And I'm glad that you are.





I wish I could tell you all that I'm happy... because that's how it should be. I owe it to each and every one of you. But I can only truthfully say that I'm content. Just content.

But to put it simply, I'm thankful to still be alive.

I don't know where I stand right now... but I'll get there.

What am I doing right now? No idea. I need a break to figure things out.

Saturday was the weirdest day in a while. Some of the events initiated the frustration I felt before and during Math Analysis today. It's starting to get extremely old hearing everyone complain about every little thing in band... Okay, let's look at this logically. Say things do really... for lack of a better word, suck. What makes you think having a hundred people complaining about it will make it any better? I don't see how people do not notice that a positive attitude makes things go that much more smoothly.

I also don't think people understand that, along with a few other leadership people, I have tried to develop the "bipolar" personality that is almost required for this. Generally, I do think I'm a pretty nice person. I'm strict because otherwise, things don't seem to get done. I'm strict because I care about what happens to the band. I'm not strict because I'm naturally bossy. But it almost seems like people think the opposite of all of the above. If it's not about me, it's certainly about other BCs... I certainly hope people don't talk about me the way some "friends" have talked to me about other people. Rhetorical Analysis: Any idea why I quoted 'friends' in the previous question?

If you're going to commit to something, you should probably think of the whole group, not just what you want... because it's a group effort, and everyone involved serves some huge purpose in it.

So many things have happened lately. Where do I start? I haven't exactly vented some important thoughts in quite a while. In fact, I probably won't do that for a while. I'm getting used to brushing things off after mini-rants. Actually, I'm trying to calm myself down about things. I think it's time to be a little quieter again. I'm too loud. I'm too happy when I'm happy, and I'm too mad when I'm mad. That sounded weird, I know... I think I'm going to start meditating.

In other news, I might post a Thanksgiving post on Wednesday night (in time for Thanksgiving, of course) and be all corny and whatnot. Shout-outs, maybe? All that good stuff.

so it starts now

I am... a really bad person sometimes.

And yet, I was a great person at some parts of the day- I would think.

I can't stay proud of those things I did when it has already started...

These Streets

I thought I found someone I was looking for.
I guess the fact that I was wrong really killed it.

I hate being wrong. You have no idea.

I'm continuing my search for a really good friend. I've got a few, but I feel like I'm missing something. I guess it's the fact that I feel like all I am is... some kind of person you COULD vent to, that you COULD look up to... but I'm only mildly entertaining. I don't know anyone who actually enjoys my one-on-one company. Yeah, I'm boring... to put it bluntly, it sucks.

I've noticed a slight change lately. I do get extremely livid sometimes... I swear, it was a little eerie yesterday when I suddenly remembered something: I was in the car, having an imaginary argument (in my head) between this person I've been angry with and myself. I wanted to slap him so badly (I have done it before, and at this point, I only have one regret about it), but I realized he would probably be let off, despite how very frustrated I was and am. I'm worried about this, and I guess that's one of the reasons I want to go back to martial arts.

I'm going back to basics. I'm building myself up again. In one word, as I said in the survey (on myspace), I would describe myself as a passionate person- there is so much I could say about that. I settle for no less than the best, I push 110%, I'm one of the most persistent person when it comes down to it, I don't care if I get hurt anymore if it helps me get to where I need to be, I want the best for you all (even though at this point, I should only be living for myself), I'll let myself feel the pain if it helps you... Gosh. But I love it.

...I can't afford to doubt myself.

You argue with the people you care about the most when things are falling apart because those are the relationships you're willing to fight for. Shouldn't it be that way? I could easily walk away now. My freshman year crash prepared me. But I know what I want.

Band performances (weekly) are coming to an end. I am sad, but I'm also happy to get a slightly less busy schedule. I have to start working out again. I'm looking for a new studio to practice something other than TKD/Karate. If anything, I'll at least go back to TKD for the black belt I seriously deserve. It shouldn't take more than 2 months to remember all those forms and such. Then back to Track... If I don't make Track (because of how strict it is now), I'm going to try out for the Spring Musical? Seriously. (:

I have to make UC Berkeley. I don't know what I'm going to do if I'm rejected...

Time to study for the SATs.

1. I want a new phone. My dad says I'll get one in January?
2. I want highlights... red? purple again? My hair needs to grow, too.
3. Christmas time is coming up. I've got some plans for presents... kinda.

My Guardian Angel

Have you ever noticed how some problems get worse because people are too insecure to tell the truth about how they feel? Or they let their pride get in the way? Just anything where people can't be completely honest...

It hurts the best of us.

And that's one of the reasons why I don't care if you think I'm weak. I don't care if you think I'm too needy because I'm not. I'm strong because I'm willing to risk saying how I really feel to make things work out. Either way, at least I'm honest. I know where to draw the line, but sometimes, you just have to let it go and be honest.

There are nights when I want to turn to someone. There are days when I want to make new friends and tell them everything- whether or not I've already told my closer friends about those things. But normally, there is no one I'm willing to call, for one reason or another...

We don't talk every day, but there are certain days when I want to talk to you... so I do. And it cheers me up. It's weird because I feel like we're so similar. It's like I'm venting to someone with such similar thoughts I would have in that position, but you word them out way better than I ever could. It's like that thing where you can help someone easily with a problem, but when you have the same problem later on, you can barely help yourself.

You've always been there. You never let me down. You never disappointed me. And you lift me up when no one else really can... either because they just can't understand or don't even try... But you're there. And I'm absolutely thankful. You're like an older brother, but more importantly, you're like a guardian angel. My guardian angel.

I Caught Myself

Today was different. It made me think... a lot.

I've been dreaming lately. In fact, I've dreamt every night for the past 3 weeks or so, which is extremely rare for me.

Classical music helps me sleep a little easier each night. I was thinking about something completely different from anything I've thought about... ever. To be quite honest, I needed someone to turn to... but no one is ever there.

This is the first year I've given this many deep or important talks to a group of people. It's probably the year I've had the most to say about what means so much to me... I don't think people get how stressful everything has been... I don't want to whine. But it really has been a challenge. A challenge I WILL overcome, but a challenge, nonetheless. When you don't get what you know you deserve and work so hard for... it hurts... like hell. And I won't let it kill me, but it does hurt.

I saw this girl today. Yeah, I do know her name, but I'd rather not say it here. You know, there aren't many people that really intrigue me these days... I guess I learned not to expect so much from some people. I was impressed by how much she pushed them to do their work the right way- it was almost motherly with that strict edge. Some people don't get that I can get strict because I care so much... but I guess I can't expect everyone to actually look more into their assumptions. I think that girl and I would get along, maybe we'll end up being friends next year.
- I see people around school, wondering what they're like... some stand out, some don't. I usually want to know more about the ones that stand out, naturally. And surprisingly, I've gotten that opportunity with most of them. It's worth it- I'm usually right about them. They're pretty amazing. I want to meet more people like them...

UPDATE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KPVGzZHY9w

We totally owned at that competition. (Not really, but let me think that we did.) Apparently, our performance at Ontario was better, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who thought performing for the Corona crowd was way more satisfying. They were so into it - and that's one of the reasons I do what I do and do it well. (:

One thing about qualifying for SCJA Championships: Ontario got a score of 90.77... I watched their show, and they were really clean and pretty good with visuals... So we have a LOT of work to do... sigh.

Bonding with the band friends is the best. Friday night = Applebee's with the saxes. Lee and I ate more than everyone else... at least that's how people made it seem. Triple chocolate meltdown was mm-mm GOOD. Then Saturday was the busiest band day. Loading and unloading 3 times + 2 competitions (ensemble group) = stress. But I love band, so it wasn't that stressful. QM bonding. Our party is coming up in a few weeks. :] Somtimes, I really do feel like the QM mom I've been nicknamed because I like to TRY to keep the peace. People argue, someone feels picked on, Elyse goes "Guys, let's just get along. I like ALL QMs." Bam. I want us to work together well and be close.

Now that I got my band-nerdiness out of my system, onto... non-band things. The stupid computer won't let me upload my pictures, so there are pics dating before my Jazz Band concert that I can't delete. Basically, I have no memory left because of this, which is pretty frustrating, so I have to figure out what's wrong.

I'm starting to get pretty loud again. I wonder how people would react if I was just normal for a week... I should try it to mess with their heads. :] I can just imagine the boys teasing me, like they always do, and me just sitting there, barely responding, and they would get all frustrated.

On another note, I've been attempting to sing "Decode." That seriously is one of the most difficult songs I've tried to sing lately, the chorus' high notes are crazy. Hayley is one of the most amazing singers. I love Paramore.