It's exhausting because

you're still in my top 3 list of priorities, but I know I feel like I'm probably not on yours.

I don't blame you, but...

It makes me sad. Just purely sad- not angry, not frustrated... just sad.

just a list

1. I've been getting into singing again a lot lately. I'm probably going to make a bunch of covers, for fun, this year. Actually, my goal is to perform at something before I graduate (non-band-related because I did that last year). I wouldn't do this professionally, though, I'm not cut out for it.

2. If things work out the way I want, I'm probably going to dedicate myself to academics, band, cabinet (if I make it), FBLA, and that activist club the most. We'll just see how things go for me in the next few weeks, then I'll decide.

3. I should be buying the 2 seasons of Hana Yori Dango soon before I forget. I totally love that show.

4. Suddenly, when I'm old enough for the position, everyone wants to be DM now. WAH, whoa! So many people trying out for the spot, oh gee whiz! .___.

5. I'm booked for like almost all the upcoming weekends until the end of November? Something like that. Wow, band... haha.

6. I've been thinking about things I'd like for my b-day lately, I don't know why. I will probably post it, even though no one reads this, just for the heck of it.

Nothing deep-ish today. I just felt like listing things. Family Guy time!

Where would we be without you?

I still don't really know.

After a not-so-perfect day like today... I don't know. It kind of makes you think. Lately, I've been questioning the things I always loved so much and the people I thought had respect for me. Sometimes, things feel pointless- but there a voices in my head, people I admire and maybe people who look up to me, that always tell me I need to continue doing what I do, no matter how pointless it seems, to help other people. I always have to go back to that. My goal is to help people, and if I'm anywhere near there, what I go through to get there is worth it, isn't it?

On another note...

I love the people that always seem so optimistic and happy... And honestly, most of the time, those are the same people that go through so much more trouble than the rest of us. And it breaks my heart to ever see something bad happen to them and make them a little vulnerable, even for a second. While the rest of us are complaining about how bad this is, how much work we have, how hot it is... here are the people that lighten everyone's mood. Because they know that keeping a positive attitude is way better than complaining about every little thing there is to complain about. Because complaining that much is only going to make things that much worse.

If I could only be the type of person like that for them when they're down, at least once, that would make my day.

just a little while longer

And so, at this point, I have just confused myself even more.

When I'm surrounded by people who are just as passionate as I am about something in particular, I just feel so warm inside, like I'm on top of the world and nothing's wrong. It sounds cliche, I know, but I don't know how else to put it. Every week, constantly, things change so quickly. Throughout the day, I'm with people who don't really care, people who care so much, and people who care- but care only about half of what the rest of us really care about. (I apologize for my rant that may seem to make no sense in certain sentences... think about it. It should make sense at some point.) There are times when I wish I could just break up my day so that I could spend it by doing a few separate things, in which there are different types of people that are all dedicated to the particular subject/activity I'm doing at that time. What does this sound like? Doesn't it sort of sound like college? If you work hard enough, you normally go to class with people just as hard working as you. When you join clubs or other activities, you absolutely join with people who really want to be there. Everyone's in college already, there's no need to make that college application seem that much better than others. It is not to say that everyone in high school does that for everything that they do, but honestly, it's a disappointment to me when people join most activities just to seem more well-rounded. It does make it better to know if these people work hard- but passion combined with the hard work will always produce better results... in my opinion, at least.

In short: I want, so badly, just to be around passionate people. I feel so discouraged pouring my heart out and not getting a response. In other words, when I'm in an environment that has people that are pretty unmotivated, it really does sadden me... I feel alone, I guess. But hey.

I'm excited for college, now that I think about it this way...