Reverie, English3AP, getting back

I never know what to name my blogs anymore.

All I can listen to lately is classical music, for the most part. I prefer not to hear anything with lyrics, and I'm not quite sure why. It's really weird being in the state I'm in, whatever that may be. I don't really know where I am, but I'm concentrating on everything, all the same. I might actually go the rational route rather than stay where I've been for the last few years... at least with my decisions and paranoia and all that. This slight (or rather huge) change does not mean I'm going to start taking SAT prep or quitting band or doing anything that will ensure a better chance to get into Berkeley. It's aimed at other things.

I don't know why I don't mind pouring my heart out. It's so difficult for other people, and yet, I can sit here typing about all of this.

I guess I don't mind to appear vulnerable- because I know that I'm not and so do the important people in my life. I figure that's why it's so easy for me to vent... to almost anyone. I had another theory- that maybe I want the attention. But no. I'm certain that isn't it. I really don't mind if saying what is on my mind and what worries me seems like a downfall to other people. I'm not the one suppressing anything and waiting until it blows up in my face, whether in the near or distant future.

It's nice to laugh again. But I'm still under the pressure of doing what I can to become a DM next year, get a good SAT score, and getting my 3.8-4.0 GPA. APUSH is so demanding- at least Ms. Han is. It's really starting to scare me. I'm still waiting to get voice lessons. I haven't chosen a jazz piece to sing for January's concert yet.

Dr. Clements told us that he wanted to take us to this place near Palm Springs where we could perform for these children... Once he told us that they were badly abused before they needed to be taken away from their parents and taken there, I automatically, 100%, completely wanted to go, no doubt about it. Obviously, I would have gone, no matter what, happily. But this would REALLY mean something.

I'm trying to figure out what to do. I hope I can manage everything perfectly.

music, Twilight, my future

When I hear a cover of a song, I don't want to hear the exact same thing as the original, at least for completely instrumental music. That's what I love about Kyle Landry's music on YouTube. Whenever I search for something, and I notice that the cover is done with another instrument, I anticipate something amazing, but I usually don't stay very excited for long.

I think I'm going to try taking some voice lessons... I'd love to take up violin, but I feel old. I think I could pick up piano on my own since I took lessons before. I'd have to find a way to learn some theory, I actually want to take it seriously. Sometimes, I feel ashamed to be in "AP" jazz band and not know any theory. Then again, there are only like 3 or 4 guys in there that know about that stuff. Even so, I'd like to know more about what I'm doing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTmdsMDJUyg
It's really good.

Honestly, if I could do anything I wanted in the world, I think I can picture how I want my future. It's weird to just spill my heart out to any random person who may be reading this, maybe I should be more secretive... I guess I'll keep it to myself at the moment. For the most part, I'd like to continue with music. I don't know which school in CA I can go to for law and music. Looks like I'm going to have to do some research.

Anyway, I think I'm going to start indulging in teen romance novels and all that sappy stuff. I'm going to read Twilight to see what everyone is so crazy about. Besides, I've loved Robert Pattinson ever since HP- why do you think my alto's name is Cedric? Time to run away to my dream world again. At least for a little while.

Goodbye

forever.

i'm changing

I am a selfish person that expects and wants too much.

So I don't care if this is public because not everyone reads it anyway.

If you read this whole thing, let me know, please. E-mail me. Write to me. Call me. Whatever.

To get it all out there, I want my friends to stop putting pressure on me. To know that people are disappointed in how upset I'm getting does not help. I understand that you're sad to see me sad or whatever, but you're seriously starting to make me feel guilty and making me feel like I have to be perfect. I'm not perfect. No one is. And I can't be a perfect inspiration figure I want to be. So let me have my breakdowns and let's all move on. All I want out of a breakdown is a hug, a smile... and maybe chocolate. (:

I want band people, certain ones in particular, not to keep pushing my buttons when I'm trying to fix things. I'm trying to help. And I know we all get tired, but if you're really that tired, go sit down. I need cooperation, and I'm obviously not going to be super nice if you don't meet me half way.

I want people to know that my normal self is still in there somewhere, but I'm trying to get her out. I'm going through a rough time, it's not just boy troubles. There is other crap I'm trying to deal with. Don't assume I've completely changed. So give me the chance to get through it. Be there. Please be understanding. I know I'm annoying, just deal with it with me for now. I'm trying to come back as soon as I can.

I want David to know I'm still me- I'm just becoming a better version of me.

Elyse will come back. The happy, optimistic, passionate, NORMAL Elyse will come back. Just give it some time. Give me space to breathe. Don't tick me off too much because chances are, I hate being like this more than you hate dealing with me.

Thank you. :]

shooting star

Things were perfect for one day, but now I'm back in hell again.

To tell you the truth, everything feels forced now. Does anyone care enough to try to take the time to make me happy? That previous sentence makes me sound like a selfish bitch...

The Notebook. Summer love is like a shooting star, kind of like what HC was to me. Almost. In some ways. Hm... It's not fun faking happiness every day.

some thoughts after HC

It's extremely difficult trying to be the bigger person.
It's also extremely difficult not knowing what someone thinks... when you want to know.

I want to know everything, especially the things that would cheer me up.

Honestly, if it wasn't for that peer counseling thing, I probably wouldn't be where I am right now (I make myself sound corny and old... I'm only one of the two). I never thought I'd need it. I guess sometimes, you really do need to let yourself get some help, no matter who you are. For some, I think all the answers are inside of you, but you just need someone to help you along the way... because when you're all depressed, how can you possibly think rationally the whole way through?

My needs can't exceed yours because I love you. As stupid as this may sound, the pain has always been okay with me to deal with because I know it was always for you. It hurt to do the long-distance thing, which I would still be willing to do. And it hurt to say goodbye and let you go.

I can't express how much I miss you, at this point. Over the last few weeks, even though I've been reminiscing, I've overlooked a few things because of the sadness of knowing you're gone, not just literally. I miss late-night talks on the phone that were serious at some points and fun at other times.

I wish you still wanted to talk to me and be with me and see me... to the point where you would put in effort that I could see.

But for now, I should cheer up that we were ourselves with each other when we were together for a day. And maybe I'll be "the girl you so dearly love" again some day soon.

20 minute shower, hugging, crying, blank staring

Hah, I guess I'm not that great of a person.
Someone's better?




No. I refuse to believe it.





I will always be ten times better than any person you choose to go out with.


I'm going to come right out and say this to anyone who actually cared enough to read this. I don't even know who reads this. I would actually like to know, though. So let me just start by saying if you read this, message me. Kthnx.

I have to be strong. I have to be strong because I know everyone has been having a rough time with things, and if I'm strong, despite the crap that I have also been going through, maybe it'll inspire other people. Now that I think about it, everything I do now is for other people. I'm a leader in band, I put up with all that disrespect so that the people in there that DO care don't stray away from why they are even there to begin with and so that things get better for all of us. And although my ambitions to get into Berkeley or Duke were originally for myself, I don't know what I want in my future anymore, so I just work hard in school for my parents (who are not Asian-strict at all) and to prove something I'd rather not mention right now. I balance everything to prove to people that you can never be too busy, and you just need to learn how to really work hard. And with that whole college thing, I want to get accepted into the top universities to show people that passion can get you anywhere, you don't have to take SAT prep, be tutored constantly, or give something time consuming up to concentrate on academics.

--needs to get edited, not done

4AM - and I can't sleep.

It's 4AM on a Friday, and I have school today. And even though I know it's stupid to be up at a time like this when I desperately need sleep because of the naps I don't take anymore and the max of 4 hours of sleep I've been getting averaged every weekday this week, I know my mind won't be at peace until I vent in some way. I can't call anyone because everyone is stressed. Sure, they might have been up at 2, but it's 4 now. And the only people who would be up are the ones who need that time to do some kind of work or study. I don't like waking up at random times of the early morning every night, but it's been happening every day for a few weeks now. But what I really hate is the feeling I get when I do wake up at those times. I hate feeling lonely. I hate waking up and knowing I shouldn't call anyone, as much as I want to. But I do anyway because that's the kind of selfish person that I am. I hate looking forward to something so much then feeling a sense of being let down, when I should probably not expect the things I do expect. I hate feeling empty, when I should be happy with things. I want something to good to suddenly happen, something unexpected that just really catches me off guard and puts a smile on my face. I want to feel appreciated. But at the end of the day, all these things just mean one thing, and that is something I can't be proud of. Because at the end of the day (or in this case, the beginning), when I look back at everything and think about it, I'm just causing trouble for other people. And that's exactly the opposite of what I want to strive for. I guess I can't make people happy.

reminder to self

things to buy/work on getting for the year

- a keyboard! a Yamaha P120 to be exact
- a jacket with a marching band jacket's flavor to it:
- flowers for my room = sunflowers because tulips don't bloom until spring
- fantail goldfishies
- Hana Yori Dango DVDs, season 1 + 2
- the book Fruits by Shoichi Aoki
- nail polish
- Halloween + Christmas decorations for my room
- presents for everyone
- scrapbook materials for my scrapbook
- mini Munny do-it-yourself thingy:
http://www.kidrobot.com/products2.cfm?ID=6257&cfid=9459299&cftoken=30323182&nav_chooser=&dept=TOYS&typ=KIDROBOT
- japanese toys/plushies
- things for my room = bookcase, bed frame, new mirror, DESK
- hangers for my clothes
- WICKED tickets!
- webcam
- any books that'll help for school and such


I'll add on as I remember things

get over it

Oh, I just found this:

kid dynamit3 (11:08:49 PM):	so watcha up to?
x furElyse (11:09:06 PM):	mm just AIM mostly..
x furElyse (11:09:54 PM):	you?
kid dynamit3 (11:10:26 PM):	worrying about the one-fifth left of my econ hw i didnt do
kid dynamit3 (11:10:27 PM):	haha
kid dynamit3 (11:10:30 PM):	yeahh i lied before
x furElyse (11:10:32 PM):	:O
x furElyse (11:10:37 PM):	go do hw
kid dynamit3 (11:10:42 PM):	aww man
kid dynamit3 (11:10:48 PM):	now you're not going to talk to me
x furElyse (11:10:49 PM):	well if you'd RATHER talk to me (:

You were so cute. :]
What happened?
Just kidding!


I like the deep talks I have with people. It makes me feel warm inside. And then I feel all happy and everything, like I mean something to someone. Like what I think really matters. I hope things go well this year.

I'm going to be happy. Enjoy Life Club.

give me a sign

I wouldn't have to keep bringing up the same old problem over and over again if you would just address them and tell me exactly how you feel. I don't want you to be just like every other guy I know. Guys typically can't handle a girl's emotions and avoid the problem altogether, and at this point, I'm willing to say it's pretty sad. I know you've done more than certain other guys, and I'm thankful for that, but it's supposed to be a given. It's not necessarily that you're better than them at handling the situation, it's that you're doing what should be done to keep things alive (since you do want to keep it alive), and they don't know what to do. And sure, when you call and you're not mad or annoyed, it automatically makes me happy, but I shouldn't just excuse how bad you've made me feel and how unappreciated I feel just because of your sudden call.

I know I'm my emotions are over the top sometimes, but the things I say have some rationality behind them. My sensitivity doesn't make any arguments I make less true or valid or any of that.

All I'm asking for is a sign that you're willing to make this work and you really love me a lot. Just a sign. And as I type this, I think of how stupid I'm being, but I don't know... I just haven't gotten it since you've left. And it means more when I get that once you're already out there, and I think the reasoning behind that is pretty obvious. I just want to feel important and loved again. And if you've done all you can already, then I'll take it. I just have trouble believing that because you've done and said things in the past that helped get the message across better. Like calmly explaining how you feel without getting frustrated. I hate it when you get annoyed by me. I wonder if you remember when you used to act so attached.

If there's anything else left, I would really, truly appreciate it.