Happy Thanksgiving

Give thanks to certain people-

my leadership team:

I've got to say... for the most part, even though we don't agree about everything, I feel like we have a natural thing that connects most of us the moment the team is formed in the summer. When everything gets hard and people get to me, I know you guys will always be there and understand what I'm going through. I know I'm not alone here. Barely anyone I know really puts in a lot of passion into something, even though they seem to get nothing in return most of the time. But we know that even though we don't get the cooperation we'd like, it's worth doing what we love, in the hopes that one day, it will change things for some people for the better. I'm thankful to have you, those of you who care and understand and take care of me.

Chen, Maggie:

I don't know how to start... I remember when I thought you were a huge, emotional, gossip-girl kind of jerk (because of the xanga entries you had back in the Suzanne days). But you're one of the nicest people I know... when you're not insulting Charlene, Ilani, or me! (: I know I can always count on you to be there, even when I call super late. I guess it's because you're always up anyway! Haha. But really, I appreciate all those times you put up with me... especially when I would call, repeating the same damn thoughts and concerns. You never made me feel guilty of being the burden I'm sure I can be. And you know that means too much to me because I'm always afraid of my stupid emotions as being burdens on the people I love.

Gunawan, Chris:

You seem to be one of the few people I know that has like... no flaws. Usually, I'm suspicious of the nice things people say, but I can believe you so easily every time. And the best part of it is that you really mean those nice things- I can tell. You have such a great heart, you care so much, and you make me feel better about things when I'm hard on myself. I know we're not super good friends or anything, but you're very important to me because you've shown me that there are some people out there who are just really good-hearted... and that's something I needed when times were getting really hard.

Hao, Charlene:

We've had a LOT of ups and downs, and I'm so glad that we made it through to now because I love our friendship. We both grew up a lot (I like to think), like it feels like out of Maggie, Ilani, and you, you were the person I really developed with, who understands the changes because we were there together. I hope that didn't sound weird. And you make me smile and laugh, and I totally know I can count on you. Plus, you always encourage me that there are a lot of fish in the sea to choose from, which makes things that much better. :]

Hon, Chris:

You frustrate me a lot, you have no idea. But I still enjoy your company and talking about music with you- especially actually playing... as long as you don't leave me out (like you did today!). You've actually changed a lot since last year, and I think it's a good change. Even though I hate your stubborness, I still value what you have to say, and it's nice to have someone who thinks so differently to argue with. Yes, it's a good thing.

Lac, David:

What can I really say? My best friend is gone, but it's not like I've forgotten about him. No time or distance can change the fact that you are one of the most important people in my life. I said it before, and I'll say it again, meaning it more than ever: You are the one person I was comfortable talking about anything with. I'm looking out for more friends like that, but so far, I've come up pretty short. I'm thankful that you had been there for me some of the times I desparately needed you to be there- the times when I couldn't go to anyone else. I value your opinion too much because you understand me. Hell, I owe you my life... so I would do anything to make sure you're happy with things and not burdened by anything because of all you've done for me. Thank you for teaching me the one thing I thought I already knew and for just, overall, being a fun friend to hang out with whenever.

Lee, Crystal:

My band bestie for life... that's all there is to it. I miss our catch-up days, I love your reassurances that I can always count on you when I'm down, I love having someone who actually loves band as much as I do (especially now that you see what I see being in leadership). You were there every step of the way, I could tell you whatever I felt about band - and I know I keep repeating the 'band' thing, but we both know it's an extremely huge part of my life. You do so much for me in that sense. You help relieve the stress that comes out of what we do. To put it simply, you understand my thoughts because you go through similar things that I do- and for that, I'm extremely thankful.

Montemayor, Robert:

Kuya, I really will miss you when you leave for college. It won't be the same without you at all... You're the only saxophone I can really count on without worrying. Plus, you're my jazz band buddy. I vent to you about whatever, and I'm really going to miss talking about all the little problems that go my way. No one else's sarcasm or concern would be the same. It's like replacing Aaron Chen in jazz band (within the next like 2 years)- it's impossible. My older brother who's always looking out for me, even though you tease me all the time... I'm absolutely thankful for the older brother I never had.

Sung, Eric:

We're miles apart (...lots of miles apart), but I wouldn't say our friendship has gotten any worse. You were there for me a lot of the time when the boys in jazz band were being huge jerks. When I was sad, you'd come over to me. You played 'My Girl' for me to cheer me up. You used to seem super annoying, but you're really not. I hope that didn't sound insulting... but yeah, I really hope you come back because you're one of the best friends I have. You're certainly one of the few really good guy friends I have- or I guess you could say I value our friendship a lot more than I do with most guys.

Taylor, Randy:

I've got to say, you're probably one out of maybe... 2 or 3 people (I'm not sure, I wouldn't really know) who never lied to me about anything. You said you would never hurt me, and you never did... and you still don't. You are one of the most honest people I have ever met, but you're also really motivational... everytime I put myself down or feel guilty, you always tell me to keep my chin up. And when it comes down to it, I really need to hear that from you because I'm so sure your comments are never biased toward me.

Umel, Ilani:

My filipino sister. Hah, I swear, we'd make great roommates. I don't know how we got to be such great friends, but I'm glad it happened. You're one of the most loving and spirited people I know. You brighten up my day... especially that one day (I'm sure you know the one I'm talking about)... that dark day for me... I wasn't expecting anyone, anything, at all. But you came to take care of me and be there until I calmed down. You actually make me feel like I mean something to people. You actually make me feel like I matter. And coming from you, it means so much because I think you're amazing already. 'Really, someone that amazing actually thinks that about ME?' That's the thought I get. Oh, and plus, I'm thankful for your driving (even though you almost got us crashing in the car behind us that one day) and plans to do big things as a group because I'm not a rebel, but I feel like doing something rebellious soon. xD



last but not least, an old part of me:

because you worked hard to get where you are. You have all these people to thank, but can't you take some credit? After realizing you can only motivate people to a certain point, and they do the rest themselves... can't it go for you, too? You went through hell for someone else's happiness. You know all you want is to get more people to care about things... you know you just want to help. You did a lot to get to where you are. You're STILL fighting. And I'm glad that you are.





I wish I could tell you all that I'm happy... because that's how it should be. I owe it to each and every one of you. But I can only truthfully say that I'm content. Just content.

But to put it simply, I'm thankful to still be alive.

I don't know where I stand right now... but I'll get there.

What am I doing right now? No idea. I need a break to figure things out.

Saturday was the weirdest day in a while. Some of the events initiated the frustration I felt before and during Math Analysis today. It's starting to get extremely old hearing everyone complain about every little thing in band... Okay, let's look at this logically. Say things do really... for lack of a better word, suck. What makes you think having a hundred people complaining about it will make it any better? I don't see how people do not notice that a positive attitude makes things go that much more smoothly.

I also don't think people understand that, along with a few other leadership people, I have tried to develop the "bipolar" personality that is almost required for this. Generally, I do think I'm a pretty nice person. I'm strict because otherwise, things don't seem to get done. I'm strict because I care about what happens to the band. I'm not strict because I'm naturally bossy. But it almost seems like people think the opposite of all of the above. If it's not about me, it's certainly about other BCs... I certainly hope people don't talk about me the way some "friends" have talked to me about other people. Rhetorical Analysis: Any idea why I quoted 'friends' in the previous question?

If you're going to commit to something, you should probably think of the whole group, not just what you want... because it's a group effort, and everyone involved serves some huge purpose in it.

So many things have happened lately. Where do I start? I haven't exactly vented some important thoughts in quite a while. In fact, I probably won't do that for a while. I'm getting used to brushing things off after mini-rants. Actually, I'm trying to calm myself down about things. I think it's time to be a little quieter again. I'm too loud. I'm too happy when I'm happy, and I'm too mad when I'm mad. That sounded weird, I know... I think I'm going to start meditating.

In other news, I might post a Thanksgiving post on Wednesday night (in time for Thanksgiving, of course) and be all corny and whatnot. Shout-outs, maybe? All that good stuff.

so it starts now

I am... a really bad person sometimes.

And yet, I was a great person at some parts of the day- I would think.

I can't stay proud of those things I did when it has already started...

These Streets

I thought I found someone I was looking for.
I guess the fact that I was wrong really killed it.

I hate being wrong. You have no idea.

I'm continuing my search for a really good friend. I've got a few, but I feel like I'm missing something. I guess it's the fact that I feel like all I am is... some kind of person you COULD vent to, that you COULD look up to... but I'm only mildly entertaining. I don't know anyone who actually enjoys my one-on-one company. Yeah, I'm boring... to put it bluntly, it sucks.

I've noticed a slight change lately. I do get extremely livid sometimes... I swear, it was a little eerie yesterday when I suddenly remembered something: I was in the car, having an imaginary argument (in my head) between this person I've been angry with and myself. I wanted to slap him so badly (I have done it before, and at this point, I only have one regret about it), but I realized he would probably be let off, despite how very frustrated I was and am. I'm worried about this, and I guess that's one of the reasons I want to go back to martial arts.

I'm going back to basics. I'm building myself up again. In one word, as I said in the survey (on myspace), I would describe myself as a passionate person- there is so much I could say about that. I settle for no less than the best, I push 110%, I'm one of the most persistent person when it comes down to it, I don't care if I get hurt anymore if it helps me get to where I need to be, I want the best for you all (even though at this point, I should only be living for myself), I'll let myself feel the pain if it helps you... Gosh. But I love it.

...I can't afford to doubt myself.

You argue with the people you care about the most when things are falling apart because those are the relationships you're willing to fight for. Shouldn't it be that way? I could easily walk away now. My freshman year crash prepared me. But I know what I want.

Band performances (weekly) are coming to an end. I am sad, but I'm also happy to get a slightly less busy schedule. I have to start working out again. I'm looking for a new studio to practice something other than TKD/Karate. If anything, I'll at least go back to TKD for the black belt I seriously deserve. It shouldn't take more than 2 months to remember all those forms and such. Then back to Track... If I don't make Track (because of how strict it is now), I'm going to try out for the Spring Musical? Seriously. (:

I have to make UC Berkeley. I don't know what I'm going to do if I'm rejected...

Time to study for the SATs.

1. I want a new phone. My dad says I'll get one in January?
2. I want highlights... red? purple again? My hair needs to grow, too.
3. Christmas time is coming up. I've got some plans for presents... kinda.

My Guardian Angel

Have you ever noticed how some problems get worse because people are too insecure to tell the truth about how they feel? Or they let their pride get in the way? Just anything where people can't be completely honest...

It hurts the best of us.

And that's one of the reasons why I don't care if you think I'm weak. I don't care if you think I'm too needy because I'm not. I'm strong because I'm willing to risk saying how I really feel to make things work out. Either way, at least I'm honest. I know where to draw the line, but sometimes, you just have to let it go and be honest.

There are nights when I want to turn to someone. There are days when I want to make new friends and tell them everything- whether or not I've already told my closer friends about those things. But normally, there is no one I'm willing to call, for one reason or another...

We don't talk every day, but there are certain days when I want to talk to you... so I do. And it cheers me up. It's weird because I feel like we're so similar. It's like I'm venting to someone with such similar thoughts I would have in that position, but you word them out way better than I ever could. It's like that thing where you can help someone easily with a problem, but when you have the same problem later on, you can barely help yourself.

You've always been there. You never let me down. You never disappointed me. And you lift me up when no one else really can... either because they just can't understand or don't even try... But you're there. And I'm absolutely thankful. You're like an older brother, but more importantly, you're like a guardian angel. My guardian angel.

I Caught Myself

Today was different. It made me think... a lot.

I've been dreaming lately. In fact, I've dreamt every night for the past 3 weeks or so, which is extremely rare for me.

Classical music helps me sleep a little easier each night. I was thinking about something completely different from anything I've thought about... ever. To be quite honest, I needed someone to turn to... but no one is ever there.

This is the first year I've given this many deep or important talks to a group of people. It's probably the year I've had the most to say about what means so much to me... I don't think people get how stressful everything has been... I don't want to whine. But it really has been a challenge. A challenge I WILL overcome, but a challenge, nonetheless. When you don't get what you know you deserve and work so hard for... it hurts... like hell. And I won't let it kill me, but it does hurt.

I saw this girl today. Yeah, I do know her name, but I'd rather not say it here. You know, there aren't many people that really intrigue me these days... I guess I learned not to expect so much from some people. I was impressed by how much she pushed them to do their work the right way- it was almost motherly with that strict edge. Some people don't get that I can get strict because I care so much... but I guess I can't expect everyone to actually look more into their assumptions. I think that girl and I would get along, maybe we'll end up being friends next year.
- I see people around school, wondering what they're like... some stand out, some don't. I usually want to know more about the ones that stand out, naturally. And surprisingly, I've gotten that opportunity with most of them. It's worth it- I'm usually right about them. They're pretty amazing. I want to meet more people like them...

UPDATE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KPVGzZHY9w

We totally owned at that competition. (Not really, but let me think that we did.) Apparently, our performance at Ontario was better, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who thought performing for the Corona crowd was way more satisfying. They were so into it - and that's one of the reasons I do what I do and do it well. (:

One thing about qualifying for SCJA Championships: Ontario got a score of 90.77... I watched their show, and they were really clean and pretty good with visuals... So we have a LOT of work to do... sigh.

Bonding with the band friends is the best. Friday night = Applebee's with the saxes. Lee and I ate more than everyone else... at least that's how people made it seem. Triple chocolate meltdown was mm-mm GOOD. Then Saturday was the busiest band day. Loading and unloading 3 times + 2 competitions (ensemble group) = stress. But I love band, so it wasn't that stressful. QM bonding. Our party is coming up in a few weeks. :] Somtimes, I really do feel like the QM mom I've been nicknamed because I like to TRY to keep the peace. People argue, someone feels picked on, Elyse goes "Guys, let's just get along. I like ALL QMs." Bam. I want us to work together well and be close.

Now that I got my band-nerdiness out of my system, onto... non-band things. The stupid computer won't let me upload my pictures, so there are pics dating before my Jazz Band concert that I can't delete. Basically, I have no memory left because of this, which is pretty frustrating, so I have to figure out what's wrong.

I'm starting to get pretty loud again. I wonder how people would react if I was just normal for a week... I should try it to mess with their heads. :] I can just imagine the boys teasing me, like they always do, and me just sitting there, barely responding, and they would get all frustrated.

On another note, I've been attempting to sing "Decode." That seriously is one of the most difficult songs I've tried to sing lately, the chorus' high notes are crazy. Hayley is one of the most amazing singers. I love Paramore.

and there's one thing that i can do nothing about

Everything is in place... or I guess everything is going smoothly, thankfully.

A great week, however busy it was. Saxophone/QM bonding, meeting the incoming freshies, feeling more confident/smarter in APUSH, and more. I love life.

But my heart hurts because one thing is out of place.

I miss my best friend terribly.

Reverie, English3AP, getting back

I never know what to name my blogs anymore.

All I can listen to lately is classical music, for the most part. I prefer not to hear anything with lyrics, and I'm not quite sure why. It's really weird being in the state I'm in, whatever that may be. I don't really know where I am, but I'm concentrating on everything, all the same. I might actually go the rational route rather than stay where I've been for the last few years... at least with my decisions and paranoia and all that. This slight (or rather huge) change does not mean I'm going to start taking SAT prep or quitting band or doing anything that will ensure a better chance to get into Berkeley. It's aimed at other things.

I don't know why I don't mind pouring my heart out. It's so difficult for other people, and yet, I can sit here typing about all of this.

I guess I don't mind to appear vulnerable- because I know that I'm not and so do the important people in my life. I figure that's why it's so easy for me to vent... to almost anyone. I had another theory- that maybe I want the attention. But no. I'm certain that isn't it. I really don't mind if saying what is on my mind and what worries me seems like a downfall to other people. I'm not the one suppressing anything and waiting until it blows up in my face, whether in the near or distant future.

It's nice to laugh again. But I'm still under the pressure of doing what I can to become a DM next year, get a good SAT score, and getting my 3.8-4.0 GPA. APUSH is so demanding- at least Ms. Han is. It's really starting to scare me. I'm still waiting to get voice lessons. I haven't chosen a jazz piece to sing for January's concert yet.

Dr. Clements told us that he wanted to take us to this place near Palm Springs where we could perform for these children... Once he told us that they were badly abused before they needed to be taken away from their parents and taken there, I automatically, 100%, completely wanted to go, no doubt about it. Obviously, I would have gone, no matter what, happily. But this would REALLY mean something.

I'm trying to figure out what to do. I hope I can manage everything perfectly.

music, Twilight, my future

When I hear a cover of a song, I don't want to hear the exact same thing as the original, at least for completely instrumental music. That's what I love about Kyle Landry's music on YouTube. Whenever I search for something, and I notice that the cover is done with another instrument, I anticipate something amazing, but I usually don't stay very excited for long.

I think I'm going to try taking some voice lessons... I'd love to take up violin, but I feel old. I think I could pick up piano on my own since I took lessons before. I'd have to find a way to learn some theory, I actually want to take it seriously. Sometimes, I feel ashamed to be in "AP" jazz band and not know any theory. Then again, there are only like 3 or 4 guys in there that know about that stuff. Even so, I'd like to know more about what I'm doing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTmdsMDJUyg
It's really good.

Honestly, if I could do anything I wanted in the world, I think I can picture how I want my future. It's weird to just spill my heart out to any random person who may be reading this, maybe I should be more secretive... I guess I'll keep it to myself at the moment. For the most part, I'd like to continue with music. I don't know which school in CA I can go to for law and music. Looks like I'm going to have to do some research.

Anyway, I think I'm going to start indulging in teen romance novels and all that sappy stuff. I'm going to read Twilight to see what everyone is so crazy about. Besides, I've loved Robert Pattinson ever since HP- why do you think my alto's name is Cedric? Time to run away to my dream world again. At least for a little while.

Goodbye

forever.

i'm changing

I am a selfish person that expects and wants too much.

So I don't care if this is public because not everyone reads it anyway.

If you read this whole thing, let me know, please. E-mail me. Write to me. Call me. Whatever.

To get it all out there, I want my friends to stop putting pressure on me. To know that people are disappointed in how upset I'm getting does not help. I understand that you're sad to see me sad or whatever, but you're seriously starting to make me feel guilty and making me feel like I have to be perfect. I'm not perfect. No one is. And I can't be a perfect inspiration figure I want to be. So let me have my breakdowns and let's all move on. All I want out of a breakdown is a hug, a smile... and maybe chocolate. (:

I want band people, certain ones in particular, not to keep pushing my buttons when I'm trying to fix things. I'm trying to help. And I know we all get tired, but if you're really that tired, go sit down. I need cooperation, and I'm obviously not going to be super nice if you don't meet me half way.

I want people to know that my normal self is still in there somewhere, but I'm trying to get her out. I'm going through a rough time, it's not just boy troubles. There is other crap I'm trying to deal with. Don't assume I've completely changed. So give me the chance to get through it. Be there. Please be understanding. I know I'm annoying, just deal with it with me for now. I'm trying to come back as soon as I can.

I want David to know I'm still me- I'm just becoming a better version of me.

Elyse will come back. The happy, optimistic, passionate, NORMAL Elyse will come back. Just give it some time. Give me space to breathe. Don't tick me off too much because chances are, I hate being like this more than you hate dealing with me.

Thank you. :]

shooting star

Things were perfect for one day, but now I'm back in hell again.

To tell you the truth, everything feels forced now. Does anyone care enough to try to take the time to make me happy? That previous sentence makes me sound like a selfish bitch...

The Notebook. Summer love is like a shooting star, kind of like what HC was to me. Almost. In some ways. Hm... It's not fun faking happiness every day.

some thoughts after HC

It's extremely difficult trying to be the bigger person.
It's also extremely difficult not knowing what someone thinks... when you want to know.

I want to know everything, especially the things that would cheer me up.

Honestly, if it wasn't for that peer counseling thing, I probably wouldn't be where I am right now (I make myself sound corny and old... I'm only one of the two). I never thought I'd need it. I guess sometimes, you really do need to let yourself get some help, no matter who you are. For some, I think all the answers are inside of you, but you just need someone to help you along the way... because when you're all depressed, how can you possibly think rationally the whole way through?

My needs can't exceed yours because I love you. As stupid as this may sound, the pain has always been okay with me to deal with because I know it was always for you. It hurt to do the long-distance thing, which I would still be willing to do. And it hurt to say goodbye and let you go.

I can't express how much I miss you, at this point. Over the last few weeks, even though I've been reminiscing, I've overlooked a few things because of the sadness of knowing you're gone, not just literally. I miss late-night talks on the phone that were serious at some points and fun at other times.

I wish you still wanted to talk to me and be with me and see me... to the point where you would put in effort that I could see.

But for now, I should cheer up that we were ourselves with each other when we were together for a day. And maybe I'll be "the girl you so dearly love" again some day soon.

20 minute shower, hugging, crying, blank staring

Hah, I guess I'm not that great of a person.
Someone's better?




No. I refuse to believe it.





I will always be ten times better than any person you choose to go out with.


I'm going to come right out and say this to anyone who actually cared enough to read this. I don't even know who reads this. I would actually like to know, though. So let me just start by saying if you read this, message me. Kthnx.

I have to be strong. I have to be strong because I know everyone has been having a rough time with things, and if I'm strong, despite the crap that I have also been going through, maybe it'll inspire other people. Now that I think about it, everything I do now is for other people. I'm a leader in band, I put up with all that disrespect so that the people in there that DO care don't stray away from why they are even there to begin with and so that things get better for all of us. And although my ambitions to get into Berkeley or Duke were originally for myself, I don't know what I want in my future anymore, so I just work hard in school for my parents (who are not Asian-strict at all) and to prove something I'd rather not mention right now. I balance everything to prove to people that you can never be too busy, and you just need to learn how to really work hard. And with that whole college thing, I want to get accepted into the top universities to show people that passion can get you anywhere, you don't have to take SAT prep, be tutored constantly, or give something time consuming up to concentrate on academics.

--needs to get edited, not done

4AM - and I can't sleep.

It's 4AM on a Friday, and I have school today. And even though I know it's stupid to be up at a time like this when I desperately need sleep because of the naps I don't take anymore and the max of 4 hours of sleep I've been getting averaged every weekday this week, I know my mind won't be at peace until I vent in some way. I can't call anyone because everyone is stressed. Sure, they might have been up at 2, but it's 4 now. And the only people who would be up are the ones who need that time to do some kind of work or study. I don't like waking up at random times of the early morning every night, but it's been happening every day for a few weeks now. But what I really hate is the feeling I get when I do wake up at those times. I hate feeling lonely. I hate waking up and knowing I shouldn't call anyone, as much as I want to. But I do anyway because that's the kind of selfish person that I am. I hate looking forward to something so much then feeling a sense of being let down, when I should probably not expect the things I do expect. I hate feeling empty, when I should be happy with things. I want something to good to suddenly happen, something unexpected that just really catches me off guard and puts a smile on my face. I want to feel appreciated. But at the end of the day, all these things just mean one thing, and that is something I can't be proud of. Because at the end of the day (or in this case, the beginning), when I look back at everything and think about it, I'm just causing trouble for other people. And that's exactly the opposite of what I want to strive for. I guess I can't make people happy.

reminder to self

things to buy/work on getting for the year

- a keyboard! a Yamaha P120 to be exact
- a jacket with a marching band jacket's flavor to it:
- flowers for my room = sunflowers because tulips don't bloom until spring
- fantail goldfishies
- Hana Yori Dango DVDs, season 1 + 2
- the book Fruits by Shoichi Aoki
- nail polish
- Halloween + Christmas decorations for my room
- presents for everyone
- scrapbook materials for my scrapbook
- mini Munny do-it-yourself thingy:
http://www.kidrobot.com/products2.cfm?ID=6257&cfid=9459299&cftoken=30323182&nav_chooser=&dept=TOYS&typ=KIDROBOT
- japanese toys/plushies
- things for my room = bookcase, bed frame, new mirror, DESK
- hangers for my clothes
- WICKED tickets!
- webcam
- any books that'll help for school and such


I'll add on as I remember things

get over it

Oh, I just found this:

kid dynamit3 (11:08:49 PM):	so watcha up to?
x furElyse (11:09:06 PM):	mm just AIM mostly..
x furElyse (11:09:54 PM):	you?
kid dynamit3 (11:10:26 PM):	worrying about the one-fifth left of my econ hw i didnt do
kid dynamit3 (11:10:27 PM):	haha
kid dynamit3 (11:10:30 PM):	yeahh i lied before
x furElyse (11:10:32 PM):	:O
x furElyse (11:10:37 PM):	go do hw
kid dynamit3 (11:10:42 PM):	aww man
kid dynamit3 (11:10:48 PM):	now you're not going to talk to me
x furElyse (11:10:49 PM):	well if you'd RATHER talk to me (:

You were so cute. :]
What happened?
Just kidding!


I like the deep talks I have with people. It makes me feel warm inside. And then I feel all happy and everything, like I mean something to someone. Like what I think really matters. I hope things go well this year.

I'm going to be happy. Enjoy Life Club.

give me a sign

I wouldn't have to keep bringing up the same old problem over and over again if you would just address them and tell me exactly how you feel. I don't want you to be just like every other guy I know. Guys typically can't handle a girl's emotions and avoid the problem altogether, and at this point, I'm willing to say it's pretty sad. I know you've done more than certain other guys, and I'm thankful for that, but it's supposed to be a given. It's not necessarily that you're better than them at handling the situation, it's that you're doing what should be done to keep things alive (since you do want to keep it alive), and they don't know what to do. And sure, when you call and you're not mad or annoyed, it automatically makes me happy, but I shouldn't just excuse how bad you've made me feel and how unappreciated I feel just because of your sudden call.

I know I'm my emotions are over the top sometimes, but the things I say have some rationality behind them. My sensitivity doesn't make any arguments I make less true or valid or any of that.

All I'm asking for is a sign that you're willing to make this work and you really love me a lot. Just a sign. And as I type this, I think of how stupid I'm being, but I don't know... I just haven't gotten it since you've left. And it means more when I get that once you're already out there, and I think the reasoning behind that is pretty obvious. I just want to feel important and loved again. And if you've done all you can already, then I'll take it. I just have trouble believing that because you've done and said things in the past that helped get the message across better. Like calmly explaining how you feel without getting frustrated. I hate it when you get annoyed by me. I wonder if you remember when you used to act so attached.

If there's anything else left, I would really, truly appreciate it.

It's exhausting because

you're still in my top 3 list of priorities, but I know I feel like I'm probably not on yours.

I don't blame you, but...

It makes me sad. Just purely sad- not angry, not frustrated... just sad.

just a list

1. I've been getting into singing again a lot lately. I'm probably going to make a bunch of covers, for fun, this year. Actually, my goal is to perform at something before I graduate (non-band-related because I did that last year). I wouldn't do this professionally, though, I'm not cut out for it.

2. If things work out the way I want, I'm probably going to dedicate myself to academics, band, cabinet (if I make it), FBLA, and that activist club the most. We'll just see how things go for me in the next few weeks, then I'll decide.

3. I should be buying the 2 seasons of Hana Yori Dango soon before I forget. I totally love that show.

4. Suddenly, when I'm old enough for the position, everyone wants to be DM now. WAH, whoa! So many people trying out for the spot, oh gee whiz! .___.

5. I'm booked for like almost all the upcoming weekends until the end of November? Something like that. Wow, band... haha.

6. I've been thinking about things I'd like for my b-day lately, I don't know why. I will probably post it, even though no one reads this, just for the heck of it.

Nothing deep-ish today. I just felt like listing things. Family Guy time!

Where would we be without you?

I still don't really know.

After a not-so-perfect day like today... I don't know. It kind of makes you think. Lately, I've been questioning the things I always loved so much and the people I thought had respect for me. Sometimes, things feel pointless- but there a voices in my head, people I admire and maybe people who look up to me, that always tell me I need to continue doing what I do, no matter how pointless it seems, to help other people. I always have to go back to that. My goal is to help people, and if I'm anywhere near there, what I go through to get there is worth it, isn't it?

On another note...

I love the people that always seem so optimistic and happy... And honestly, most of the time, those are the same people that go through so much more trouble than the rest of us. And it breaks my heart to ever see something bad happen to them and make them a little vulnerable, even for a second. While the rest of us are complaining about how bad this is, how much work we have, how hot it is... here are the people that lighten everyone's mood. Because they know that keeping a positive attitude is way better than complaining about every little thing there is to complain about. Because complaining that much is only going to make things that much worse.

If I could only be the type of person like that for them when they're down, at least once, that would make my day.

just a little while longer

And so, at this point, I have just confused myself even more.

When I'm surrounded by people who are just as passionate as I am about something in particular, I just feel so warm inside, like I'm on top of the world and nothing's wrong. It sounds cliche, I know, but I don't know how else to put it. Every week, constantly, things change so quickly. Throughout the day, I'm with people who don't really care, people who care so much, and people who care- but care only about half of what the rest of us really care about. (I apologize for my rant that may seem to make no sense in certain sentences... think about it. It should make sense at some point.) There are times when I wish I could just break up my day so that I could spend it by doing a few separate things, in which there are different types of people that are all dedicated to the particular subject/activity I'm doing at that time. What does this sound like? Doesn't it sort of sound like college? If you work hard enough, you normally go to class with people just as hard working as you. When you join clubs or other activities, you absolutely join with people who really want to be there. Everyone's in college already, there's no need to make that college application seem that much better than others. It is not to say that everyone in high school does that for everything that they do, but honestly, it's a disappointment to me when people join most activities just to seem more well-rounded. It does make it better to know if these people work hard- but passion combined with the hard work will always produce better results... in my opinion, at least.

In short: I want, so badly, just to be around passionate people. I feel so discouraged pouring my heart out and not getting a response. In other words, when I'm in an environment that has people that are pretty unmotivated, it really does sadden me... I feel alone, I guess. But hey.

I'm excited for college, now that I think about it this way...